BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.
The sound of my alarm is always vexatious, but at 4:30 on a Monday morning, it packs a particularly visceral sting. I manage to drag my body upright in a lazy haze, and peek drowsily outside my blinds. It’s still pitch black, and the struggle is real. Let me make one thing clear: I do not wake up at 4:30 in the morning unless I am boarding a flight to the Bahamas, or placing a closing bid on an eBay auction for Air Max 95s. But today is an exception. Today is ‘Miley Cyrus Monday’, as my girlfriend dubs it – the day when pop music’s most controversial star would be gracing Sunrise on Channel 7. I was lucky enough to be invited as part of the live audience, and graciously accepted the offer.
It’s much too early to get dressed, so I leave my house in a full burgundy Nike sweatsuit that I slept in the night before. Its cotton coziness offers little comfort as I haul my sorry ass to the local South Maroubra bus stop. Although it’s a mere 300 metres away, I feel like I’m climbing Mount Everest. This is a serious first world problem. From there, I board the 394 which takes me directly to Circular Quay. In a few hours, the same bus will be bustling with businessmen and nine-to-fivers. Now, the 394 remains bare, spare for a few tradesman. Their neon yellow jackets are a welcome disruption from the dark skies outside.
By the time I make it to Circular Quay, I believe that I deserve a gold medal or some sort of congratulatory ribbon. Instead, I treat myself to a McMuffin and two hash browns as I head towards the Sydney Opera House. Once inside the performance area, I meet with DJ Leon Smith - a man who has been crowned by the streets as ‘Australia’s Number. 1 Strip Club DJ.’ While I managed to get a few hours of shut-eye last night, Leon was awarded no such luxury. Before the gig, he worked an overnight shift at Bada Bing, followed by a brief stint at Star City Casino. This type of resilience is typical of Miley Cyrus fans, who have earned a fierce reputation for their dedication to the queen.
Inside, the crowd proves to be an eclectic mix. A woman with a Southern Cross neck tattoo stands on my left. A man wearing Canberra Raiders speed dealers stands on my right. I wonder whether the man realises that he is on the forefront of ironic hipster fashion. There are other grown men dressed exactly like Miley Cyrus, whether it’s a mesh top and sunglasses à la ‘We Can’t Stop‘, or a cropped Chicago Bulls jersey à la ‘23‘. Two gold stars for effort. I am left thinking about where the hell these people spend the other 364 days of the year.
Behind me, a crew of Channel 7 corporates chat half-heartedly, probably wondering whether they are getting paid overtime for this shit. Television presenters and accompanying cameramen whisk around the audience, interviewing unifrom-clad schoolchildren expressing their excitement. Leon and I ponder why we haven’t been interviewed. I am particularly disappointed, as this would have been a prime opportunity to plug my flourishing rap career on national television.
As the crowd grows, a man appears onstage and begins chanting Miley’s name to rile up their enthusiasm. Leon informs me that this is John Deeks, the Channel 7 legend who is best known for yelling ‘Come on down!’ on The Price Is Right. This is groundbreaking news, and it’s now clear that Deeks is the main attraction of the morning. A few minutes later, I spot ‘Deeksie’ heading towards us. I consider asking him for a selfie, but in a heartbeat, the moment is gone as he struts confidently to the backstage area. I am hit with a crumbling mixture of heartbreak and regret. However, I did get a photo of myself squatting with a giant hashtag, which may serve as the cover for my upcoming mixtape 24 Karat Kev: The Eulogy.
It’s a painstaking two hours before Miley Cyrus finally takes the stage, dressed in dazzling Discount Universe garments and her infamous tongue poking out unapologetically. ‘Good fucking morning’, she yells to the screaming fans. This is a very edgy move that has Channel 7 producers shitting their pants, but Miley remains on her best behaviour. She dives headfirst into power ballad ‘Wrecking Ball’, which sounds larger-than-life in the live arena, before taking time out for a short interview (and selfie) with Kochie.
She then moves onto viral single ‘We Can’t Stop’. With lyrics about popping molly, snorting cocaine and generally getting ‘turnt up’, it’s clear that Miley is no role model – but that doesn’t stop her young fans from reciting every word back to her. While we are hoping for Miley to drop her forever underrated French Montana remix, the moment never arrives. Instead, she plays Etta James and Coldplay covers, obviously opting for the ‘tear-jerker’ route as opposed to her ‘twerk on inanimate objects’ options.
Throughout all the viral antics, publicity stunts and generally ratchet behaviour, it’s clear that Miley Cyrus has a real voice. Now, she just needs to collaborate with John Deeks to take her career to the next level.